Looking for ways to spice it up in the bedroom? Perhaps you often feel distracted during sex and want to know how to get the most out of every sexual experience, or you just want better orgasms, with or without a partner. Why not try combining sex and mindfulness to take your frisky sessions to transcendent new heights?  

Dating and mindfulness expert, Lauren Smith is the author of “The Mindful Dating Journal: How To Find A Healthy Love that Lasts”. She empowers singles to ditch the dating struggle and claim the loving relationship they so deeply deserve.  

“I lost my virginity to the captain of the football team when I was a junior in high school. I remember it being more stressful than enjoyable and I most certainly did not orgasm. For the next five or so years, my sex life seemed to stay on the same dull yet anxious path. Finally, around age 21 I had my first orgasm,” reveals Smith.  

“Sadly, my late orgasmic blooming is not entirely atypical. Recent studies show that 5-10% of women have never orgasmed and 18.4% of women report that intercourse alone is sufficient to orgasm.”  

“Sexual satisfaction is a delicate balance between body and mind, and a little mindfulness can go a long way to cultivating more pleasure in the bedroom.”  

“I'm sure you've heard of mindfulness before, but I must clarify one key aspect of mindfulness that is less commonly known. You see, mindfulness is not simply a synonym for awareness.”  

“Rather, it's awareness without judgment. Being mindful is placing your attention on your present moment experience without trying to change it or criticize it. It's a state of allowing.”  

“There are many ways to practice mindfulness in your daily life. Some people like to sit in formal meditation, others practice mindful walking meditations, and others have mindful sex. These are all great options to reconnect with the body and bring yourself fully into the present moment, though I think we can all agree that the latter is the most exciting!”  

Here are Smith’s tips on how to have more mindful sex: 

1. GROUND INTO PLEASURE  

“A common technique of mindfulness meditation is to bring yourself back to the present with some sort of anchor, like the breath, or by noticing the feeling of your feet against the pavement,” says Smith. 

“When it comes to mindful sex, our anchor is sensation. We ground ourselves in the present moment by placing our attention on what sensations we are feeling in the body. If the mind wanders, we allow the thought to come and go as we refocus our attention on the body's sensations.   

“When you notice yourself worrying about your performance or if the inner critic shows up, come back to the body. You'll naturally find more joy during sex when you're more in tune with your physical body in the present moment.”  

2. PRACTICE MINDFUL MASTURBATION  

“Take time to explore what feels good to you. Embrace all the amazing pleasure sensations that show up in your body without forcing, rejecting, or trying to change them. There is a deep healing that occurs when you bring loving and attentive touch to your own body,” suggests Smith. 

“Give yourself permission to try these new things without judgment or shame. Explore your deepest desires and experiment!  

“Try new [sex] toys, pressures, rhythms, whatever! Rediscover the kind of touch you enjoy and confirm things you don't like. Get familiar with your own body and validate your human desire for sexual pleasure. “ 

3. GIVE YOURSELF THE GRACE OF SELF-COMPASSION  

“You are amazing and worthy exactly as you are, even if things aren't always perfect. Sometimes sex is messy, smelly, and awkward, yet it's still beautiful and powerful. Embrace the duality.  

“Send yourself love if you notice any negative or critical thoughts. Notice any emotions that come up about shame or fear or frustration, let them all go, and refocus on the pleasant physical sensations, objectively and with curiosity.  

“Learning to embrace your need for sexual pleasure is self-love because you are fully accepting yourself and your body.”  

4. BE HERE NOW  

“Release expectations of how or when the 'Big O' will show up. Instead of working towards that big moment of intense release, learn to savor all the flavors of pleasure along the way.  

“When it comes to sex, it's easy to get derailed from the pleasure of the current moment by listening to the fears of our inner critics. Learning to accept all parts of your experience exactly as it is, without wanting to change it, is like unplugging the mic on your harsh inner critic.  

“When you focus 100% on the present moment experience, you're less likely to get swept away by anxious future-based thoughts like, "When will he/she/I orgasm?" or "Am I doing this right?" or "Do I look good enough?"  

“Grounding in the present also makes it easier to let go of unpleasant memories or thoughts from the past. Instead, accept your full experience in the present moment. And savor it.”  

5. BUILD YOUR SEXUAL SELF-WORTH  

“Sex feels safer in mindful awareness; your worthiness is not in question. You already hold yourself in kind acceptance, you don't push yourself away or judge. Your self-worth is not connected to whether the other person expresses their sexual satisfaction or not.  

“Mindful sex can heal our relationship with our sexual worth. Sex is a perfectly natural part of the human experience and we are all deserving of pleasure. Sexual desire is nothing to be ashamed of. You're validating that your needs matter. You build sexual confidence and sex-esteem when you practice mindful sex.”  

6. DEVELOP YOUR PLEASURE COMMUNICATION SKILLS  

“When you pay more attention to the pleasure sensations in the present moment, it gets easier to know what feels good. And when you can be more specific about what you want, it's much easier to communicate your needs to your partner.”  

7. FIND PLEASURE EVERYWHERE  

“Work that mindfulness muscle! Adopt a mindfulness practice outside the bedroom, aka meditation. Meditation helps build body awareness and sharpens your ability to be present for all of life's pleasures.   

“Not into meditation? There are plenty of informal ways to incorporate more mindful awareness into your daily life. For example, the next time you eat a strawberry, savor as much as possible about the experience. Pay attention to the flavors and sensations, sucking every bit of pleasure out of the present moment.  

“Or the next time you wash your hands, embrace the opportunity to explore the nuances of pleasure in physical touch. Delight in the smell of the soap, the smoothness later builds on your skin, and the intensity of the cool water as it floods between your fingers.  

“And these things transfer to your partner too, so it's not just about making a more pleasurable experience for you, but also for the other person. Withholding judgment or expectations about the other person's performance frees them up to be themselves in the full pleasure of the present moment as well.”  

Instead of taking your mind to acrobatic positions and role play, go inwards and consider how you work with what you’ve got; you might surprise yourself. Ready to jump into mindful sex? Be prepared for more mind-blowing sensations!